I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
