I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
