i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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