Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
