Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
