My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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