i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
