i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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