just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
