We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
