Me. At least after what I've been through.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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