I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
