I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
