you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
