That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
