The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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