I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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