i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
