the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
