I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
