community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
