I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
