Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
