i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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