I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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