we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
