There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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