I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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