you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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