I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We are two peas in an std pod
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
