Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
