in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
