4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
