I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
