Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i drank out of a bidet.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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