i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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