get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
