ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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