around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
