Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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