so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
