I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
