I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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