Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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