i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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