I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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