You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
wow bdsm is so cute
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
