I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
