I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
