it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
